Do Not Let Your Child Marry Someone Like Me

My daughter, Ashlyn dressed up as a princess.

I am a reformed spoiled child. Rob always adds, "Not quite." He thinks he is so funny.

The debilitation that I brought to the marriage wasn't intentional. In fact, I wasn't even aware that I suffered from the 'spoiled' disease. I was raised in a privileged home. Let me add, too, that I was the baby in the family, which naturally added to the spoiled-ness.  As I am older, a bit wiser and reformed ('not quite’ apparently), I can see how giving so much to a child can be detrimental. I am not faulting my parents for the lavish life I was given; after all, they had us three girls in the sixties, when a generation of parents threw out Grandma’s common sense, and the new postmodern parenting/humanist ideology began.  As I reflect, I count the opportunities to see the world and the material comforts as blessings. I offer this story, in relation to preparing your child for marriage.

 My parents were adventurous.  I learned to snow ski at the age of three and was SCUBA certified at the age of fourteen. By the age of 19, I had taken flying lessons (really just one lesson...I can't even drive a car good. My sister went on to become a pilot.)  Seeing faraway places and experiencing different cultures; these are the things I am most grateful.  My parents wanted to give us many of the opportunities they didn't have growing up.

Although we were given much, my parents didn't suffer to the full extent of modern day parenting. We had to work; usually it consisted of yard work; pulling weeds, planting five million plants and fruit trees, and putting out pine straw.  Oddly, we didn’t have to do house chores.  With three girls, it seems we should have had to learn to cook, wash dishes or clothes and clean our rooms. When I went away to college, I lived alone my freshman year.  I loaded my dishwasher and put the liquid Joy soap-meant for washing dishes in the sink- in the dishwasher.  Suds were everywhere on the first floor of my townhouse; what a mess.  I was clueless.

What does all this have to do with marriage?

I didn’t know the Lord.  And goodness, I don’t think I was willing to share my throne with Him, had I met him any sooner than I did.  By the time I finally met and accepted Him into my heart, I was 21.  Within that next year, I started dating and married Rob.  What? Excuse me?  I can’t wear my princess crown and have the ‘baby’ title anymore?  Getting married certainly knocked me off of my throne and took away my tiara.  And get this!  He expected me to know how to cook something and share in the house chores!

Overindulged and overprotected left me underprepared to live in the real world.  I had a skewed sense of values and an exaggerated sense of entitlement.  I was insecure, had a low frustration tolerance and made bad choices.  I could wing it in college, but marriage would not tolerate my self-proclaimed wonderfulness; God wouldn’t tolerate it either.

Needless to say, those first seven years of marriage were very difficult.  Often I planned my escape to the (lonely) place where I could resume my position of ‘Queen Me.’ When I would put my running shoes on, as I often did when marriage got too hard, He gently brought me back to a husband who didn’t tolerate my royal highness, but always had open arms and walked with me, as God transformed my world where I was the center to one with Him as the center. 

Modern day parenting believes that we should give our children the best of everything; the best education; the best toys, the top universities, and greatest and latest...Overindulgence frequently results in kids who have a shocking sense of entitlement; kids who expect their every whim to be fulfilled; kids who have a disregard for the value of things and even a disregard for the value of other people.  Overindulged children will struggle in life and certainly in marriage.  I know.
God held onto me during those early years of marriage.  I was a new believer in Christ, but it would take years before I understood what that meant.  There isn’t one thing I did to deserve His grace and certainly not one thing I did to deserve the forbearance Rob showed me.  If you have spoiled your child, get on your knees now and pray for a spouse with the patience of the Lord Himself.  He or she will need it.

When my grandparents passed away, they had been married for 64 years.  I have been married for almost nineteen living under the same roof with my husband longer than I lived with my parents.  I left my parent’s house and lived alone at the age of 17.   Our children live with us for only a short time; yet, we have such a powerful influence in to who they will become.  In a sense, we are raising them for someone else.  Next time you have a desire to give in to your child’s every little desire, curb your enthusiasm.  Otherwise, you might be nurturing an unappreciative, unhappy child who will likely have trouble coping with the inevitable ups and downs of life.  Give it some thought:  What kind of wife or husband do you want your child to be? 

Through the tears, the difficulties and tragic events, God has taught me humility and a heart of appreciation.  He has shown me an unbelievable amount of mercy and grace.  He has helped me to see how miserable I was when my only focus was me.  Had I left Rob, I would have toted my crown and throne with me.  Where would I have gone?  Did I really think someone else was going to tolerate me?  I am grateful the Lord took back His rightful crown and throne.  It was never meant for me.

God with His wonderful sense of humor gave me a frugal husband; one who had to break the news to me that money did not, in fact, grow on the trees in our backyard.  Rob is the oldest of three boys and doesn’t quite have pity for ‘the baby.’  He worked hard cutting grass to earn every penny to buy his first car at 16.  Lavishing me with gifts is not exactly his strongest point.  Not giving in to my every whim is not on his priority list.  Fortunately, loving me is.  I don’t know why someone didn’t warn him about marrying someone like me. (Oh, excuse me.  Rob just informed me that his parents did!  Well, I guess they were on their knees a prayin’ every day!)

Maybe I am not completely reformed from my old ways, but God has transformed my heart.  

My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.  Therefore, I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.  Job 42:5-6

Note:  I want to teach my kids everything, but I never want them to lose sight of the cross.  One day, they will grow up and write a post about me titled, “Here is What Not to do that My Parents Did.”  I thank the Lord that He is in charge and that He will use my mess-ups for good in their lives.

Blessings to you!

Thank you, Pippa for the correction of 'thrown' to 'throne!'  It was so funny, I almost left it! 
Terry and Gayle, if you have stopped by, I hope this brings you some laughter!  Miss you and so glad you visit!


This is the second post of my series on marriage.  To see my first post, 'Two Lumps of Coal' click here.